Icy Hot

My vision became a very small circle, all frosty around the edges and I felt somehow larger and taller. It was like someone turning the volume all the way all at once. I was one inch from snapping and lashing out.

Returning to class wasn't going very well. My heightened paranoia about my back and wheezing through the exercises didn't give me a lot of confidence in myself. We then paired up and I got partnered with Nut. I thought, "no problem," and there wasn't any initially. I took my previous ideas about how to contend with him and put them into play and they worked great. I started keeping strict count on exercises and made sure we switched out on the mark. I would initiate a switch as soon as he started trying variations on the exercise. It was working great. I'm just not sure what happened next. His playfulness often borders on excess, so I thought I would respond by pinching him (bad idea in retrospect)which just encouraged him to continue with horseplay. He turned his back to me and I grabbed him by his neck and although nothing really happened between us (playful sparring) I accelerated to kill immediately.

Only after the rush of adrenaline left me did I realize that I was close to losing control and lashing out in a uncontroled rage. It all happened within probably five seconds of time. It absolutely embarassed me and what's worse is that no one appeared to notice. Not even Nut!

So my question is what's going on? What is it that he does that sets me off? I've been noticing lately that my rage is searching for an outlet. I'm afraid that learning some MA has led to a dangerous part in my heart. To lash out unrestricted seems closer and closer. Should I talk to Teacher? I would be concerned that this admission would force him to adjust class somehow and that wouldn't be appropriate. Perhaps Teacher Slim. For all of his years in MA he keeps an enforced jovaility that really derails my ability to approach him about what I feel is such a serious problem. So much to concentrate on...