Wednesday, August 28, 2019

Fragile Male Ego 2.0

Here's the pattern.  Practice at home when I can.  Go to class or private practice.  Get corrections, repeat.  Wake up in the middle of the night going over moves in my head or get cramps in legs because I didn't drink enough water.  Repeat.

I've got eight days before the test.  I can't believe I'm typing that.  We keeping working on detail work that Reed indicates should be related to the level of skill I should be at.   I'm meeting with Reed every day now and the heat is near unbearable in late August.  

He doesn't say I'm ready or not and I'm not asking.  I don't think I can bare to have him say it's 50/50.  The truth is that I have to be better than I was last time and I have to have judges that like what they see.  Urgh. 

I realize I can only do as best as I can, but I'd rather be done with this.  I really don't want to be in Ivana's situation where she had to come back three times.  I can only imagine that she kept going back to prove it to herself, but it absolutely burned her out on Karate.  She never came back.  School and regular life took the preference at that point and she never made space ever again.  I definitely don't want to be in that situation.  

Writing this is cathartic.  I've got to get my head in a correct space to do well, but not perseverate over the results.  The goal is to do the best I can without rushing.  

Ten straight days of practice?  Not sure about that part, but it allows for a lot of focus on one kata/bunkai a day.

Tuesday, August 20, 2019

2 Weeks To Go

The testing cycle is coming up in a few weeks (Sept. 6th) and I haven't found any anxiety yet; just the desire to see a success as I'd rather not practice this stuff so much anymore.  

We've added a few things and corrected a few things, but in the end I'm whittling away at small things to make myself look presentable/passable.  

Since this is a retest I'm slightly off schedule and figured I'd be testing by myself or a small group. That sounded nice because I didn't want anyone doing the same testing package as me for comparison and contrast.  I felt like the last time Olivia looked so good that it weighed against me.  Of course, I've improved and have a more appropriate partner in Reed, but I felt better without that comparison.  

As luck would have it, our sister school from Eugene will be putting up several people also working toward their Ni Dan. Hopefully I'll be shiny and awesome in comparison to them.  

I'll be trying to squeeze in as much practice as I can in the mean time. weeeee

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