Sunday, March 03, 2013

The Most Metal Thing I Have Ever Uttered

I'm standing in a kitchen facing two fellows and surrounded by about 5 to 10 people.  We're at a party and by and large the folks there are younger than me.  The two guys appear to be in their late 20s to mid 30's, but I can't really tell. 

I don't remember what lead to the escalation in tension, but clearly fisticuffs became the answer to whatever was being said.  I'm mostly thinking how I've got one shot to make things count before I get the living shit beat of me while the bluster is increasing.  The lead guy's knee is obvious and if I can get closer I can drop a throat shot that'll let me to take care of number two. 

That's when I realize something else is going on. Why are these guys acting this way?  I haven't been that age in a long time and I was never very aggressive in the first place so their behavior didn't mean too much to me.  However, while gaming the attack I realized something; this was a primal performance.  It's a show to demonstrate how powerful they are to the pretty ladies. 

Once this dawned upon me I made this speech.

"You boys just lost this fight in three different ways. 

"If you beat my ass you lose because you just beat up a 46 year old guy.  There is nothing that girls here are going find remotely sexy about that.

"If you get really stoked and put the boots to me seriously, the pretty girls are going to have to call an EMT and cops.  I have no problem throwing you under the bus legally.  You lose again.

"I've had a few minutes to take a look at you guys and I notice that you are very handsome and fit, but I'm not seeing anything that looks like you guys remotely know how to fight at all."

I started to take off my watch and ring and set them on the counter to my back while I continued.

"Here's how you going to lose in the worse way.  If we get started I'm not going to hold back.  I'm going to cripple you so you'll never walk right again.  You remember I said that so you'll remember how you thought this was important when you're older.

I was stretching while I told them the last part.  Pulling my arm across my chest and stretching my wrists. 

"You know what?  I realize that you two want those pretty ladies.  Why don't you just whip your dicks out right now and they can judge for themselves." 

That broke the tension and I was able to walk away. 

This was my dream on Saturday night.  I woke up from it at 3:30am and stayed up for two hours.  Talk about supercharged.  I only hope that if I'm in this kind of thing in real life that I'll have that level of calm in the storm.

Truth be told the reason for the conflict was that the woman I was with was exquisitely beautiful and the daughter of Satan.  Conflict followed her everywhere, but I was deeply in love with her.  That's for another blog I suppose.


Anonymous said...

Dude: You need a vacation!

Potatoe Fist said...


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